“Hi, this is Coach. Thanks for trying out for the team. I’m just calling to break your heart, crush your dreams, make you cry and ensure you’ll never forget me or this moment for the rest of your life. Oh, I‘m also calling to end my friendship with your parents, neighbors, aunts and uncles and ensure my son never receives an invite to anything you or your family hosts ever again. I look forward to awkward encounters at school functions and at the grocery store for years to come. Have a nice day.”
Welcome to travel sports coaching.
I coach my oldest son’s travel baseball team. We are fortunate to live in an area with a strong recreational sports program and ample opportunities for all kids to play sports. But when it comes to playing in the travel sports program, unfortunately, there are only so many kids who can make the team. That means I have the unenviable job of making cuts.
This year after tryouts, I knew I had some hard decisions to make. My process has always been to pick up the phone and talk to the player directly and explain why he did not make the team and things he can work on to improve his chances next year.
Is that the easiest way to do it? No.
But, as I always say, the easiest thing to do is rarely the right thing.
Cuts are not easy for anyone - players, parents or coaches. As a dad, the last thing I want to do is to call one of my son or daughter’s friends with disappointing news.
Having been through this process as parent and a coach, here are two things you can do as a sports parent to prepare for the possibility of getting cut.
1) Be honest with yourself about your child’s ability.
Key word here is YOURSELF. I know it is hard to look at your own child objectively and make an honest and reasonable assessment of their abilities. We created them and we are wired to view them and everything they do at a young age as the greatest thing in the world. (Wow, he’s crawling! OMG, she went on the potty!)
When it comes to travel sports parenting, my rule of thumb is this; if it is not obvious that your child is one of top three talented kids on any team, he or she is in danger of being replaced at some point. Harsh to hear for some but the sooner moms and dads can accept that...the easier it will be for you to help your child accept that at some point.
One of my current favorite commercials is for the Kia Sorrento as a part of their “Built for Football Families” Campaign.
Two sports parents are driving their son home following a game. The father gushes telling his son how “awesome” he played. Meanwhile, we hear the mother honestly and objectively, in her own mind assessing her son’s talent level (or lack thereof) on the field. To me, this spot captures how we should act as sports parents. It is our job to be outwardly supportive of children while privately and honestly assessing their abilities.
2) Emphasize sports as one component of your child’s life, not their entire life.
We hear parents say this all of the time. “Soccer is her life!”..”Baseball is his life”...Even in my role as a travel coach I’m confident in saying that sports are NOT your pre-teen’s “life.”
As parents, it has been our job since day one to help our kids make sense of their worlds. From the earliest days (Cheerios are food. LEGOS are not) to today (math homework > XBox), one of our main roles as a parent is to help our children learn to define levels of priority.
Yes, sports may be the what your kids “live to do” after school and weekends but it is incumbent upon us to remind them where sports really rank among the priorities of life.
Tell your daughter that lacrosse may be what you do...but it is certainly not who you are.
One suggestion is to teach your children to make their athletic accomplishments the second, third or fourth quality they would use to describe themselves. “My name is Susie. I’m a great friend and sister who enjoys music and reading and I really like to play soccer.”
Teach them there are many great reasons to make sports part of your life. Don’t ever let sports define you.
Let’s face it, getting cut from a team is just the beginning. As parents, we still have failed algebra exams, high school sweetheart breakups and college rejections to look forward to... Lucky us.
But if we are proactive about teaching our kids to have a strong self-worth and appreciation for what truly defines them...they will have a better capacity to handle rejection and setbacks.
Youth sports is a great starting point for this life lesson by teaching children how to handle setbacks and overcome adversity in a safe and controlled environment.
So, I’m sorry I had to cut your child. I truly hope he continues to play and he comes out for the team again next year.
Until then, I’ll continue to go to neighborhood parties and hear “Hey, I heard you cut my son’s best friend.”
Yep. That’s me. Good to see you, too.